dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
