I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im holly from the hills drunk
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
