I'm gonna have a badass scar
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
