is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
