a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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