Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Text me some of your sweat
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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