i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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