...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
