Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
