I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
