what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize