Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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