textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
