I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
