erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize