I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize