WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
