apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
