I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
