I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize