just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
