OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
