Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Life is so much better after having sex.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
