We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
