he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
