What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm always down for nudity.
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