Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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