This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
