I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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