A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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