don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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