You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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