So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
