he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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