how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
