I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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