I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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