It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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