Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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