Whod you bang
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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