dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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