Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
