yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
