he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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