If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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