Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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