the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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