Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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