Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
