yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
