two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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