Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
