I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You pole danced in your parka.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
