He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
