He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
