i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
