my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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