her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize