dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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