Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
