In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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