How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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