What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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