Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
