I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
