my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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