your parents love me but you hate me
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
