i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
