I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
