There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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