Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
