i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
