so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize